Wednesday, November 5, 2008

November 4 When Animals Attack

I am a little brain dead after a long work day and hours of political commentary. So I'm just going to subject you to some random thoughts and free association for the next few paragraphs. Maybe something will jump out.

The most obvious approaches would be to either take an animal that has been perpetually abused or hunted and have them turn on people (like King Kong, Moby Dick).
Or maybe take a beloved family pet and have it snap not unlike the character in the previous exercise.
So what is less obvious?
Birds in the park?- done and done well by Hitchcock.
Infestation of insects?- The Mummy, anyone?
Infestation of koalas? Oh Mitch Hedberg, how I miss you.
Tomatoes? Done and NOT an animal. Not even a vegetable.

I suppose any group of animals or insects can be worked into a frenzy where they go berserk and start ripping everything in sight to shreds. Although some may be less efficient than others. Shark feeding frenzy- def. Locusts swarming a wheat field- devastation.
However, a herd of garden slugs can't really do much damage to a person- right? Besides slime them? Your garden, they'll munch to bits, but I don't think they have what it takes to kill a human.

Ew- unless thousands crawled into your nose and mouth and blocked your breathing. Then crawled down your throat to your intestines so when the coroner did their autopsy, you'd be solid slugs from lips to anus. Then he'd call over his coworker, Phil and they'd take pictures and you'd be on Youtube.
You, with your sluggy guts all exposed. Your strong, healthy heart is there too but it doesn't get any mention. Not with a living slug impaction in your large intestine.
They'd sit there an count them one by one. Picking them up with those tweezer tong things and dropping them into a kidney bowl.
Then they'll dissect those slugs to see what is in their little stomachs but they'll be baffled becuase there won't be any human tissue. Just plant matter and maybe some beer. Slugs love beer.
Have you ever left a beer bottle out at night? And the next morning- filled with slugs.
That must have been how it happened. You got drunk on beer and passed out in the garden. The slugs sensed the beer and began the slow, mucus march down your gullet.

So there you go. Don't pass out in the garden.

From Peter Benchley’s Jaws to Stephen King’s Cujo, one of the most frightening things to many people is our absolute inability to control nature, specifically animals. I hate that. Instead of making people afraid to go into the water, write a satirical piece (poem, paragraph, short story, whatever) about an unusual animal going crazy and killing people.

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